How it all started.

The Cromagnon called Abu sat back on his haunches prouder than he'd ever been before.
'Hey Jom!' he called. 'I've just invented the wheel. This'll get cars off the ground.'
'Well, bugger me! You just invented the pun, too!' replied Jom, extremely impressed.
'You're right! I think I've just revolutionised civilisation as we know it.'
'Hmmm...Good on yer!'

And now there's me.
But I'm not here to revolutionise civilisation as you know it, or as I know it, or as the guy down the street knows it. Sure, not too many years ago I wanted nothing more than to bend the world to my will, but not so much now. That way madness lies - and (even today) sometimes dragons and beasts-without-name that serve a metaphoric yet cowardly purpose.


Humour is the single most useful way tool we have to push boundaries. Next to no-one sits down to wade through a massively detailed and compelling argument. They want instantanity. Hence those moments where everyone is laughing along and then the brain catches up, they stop, and realise: Ah.
It's magic.
And the person you have to surprise most is yourself.


If brevity is the soul of wit then that's fucking awesome!
How cool is brevity? I can't say enough about it.
Imagine if there was a Force of Brevity that acted like gravity and pulled two disparate ideas together using the fewest words possible.


I went to the Chinese gardens to ponder the complex beauty; enjoy the serenity; and curse other people's children.
If you hold them under the water long enough the thrashing stops and the serenity comes right back.
I thought how nice it would be to have a Chinese garden of my own - with waterfalls, boulders, pools and fish.
But not koi. Koi aren't my style at all.
Coy?!
I don't wont coy: I want hussies, long-finned skanks and siamese slut-fish! I want fish that are so sexy that when sun-adled sailors come over they have delusions that nude women are in the water.
Hell, I'll just go the whole hog and hire wannabe models to swim around.

Not that I entertain sailors - that sounds a bit gay.
I prefer flyboys anyway.


Some of you might say I'm a bad person because I only read the articles about missing college students if they were secretly internet porn stars.
Find your own level, people.


I was thinking about the Helen Hunt/Mel Gibson movie 'What Women Want'.
What do women want?
Babies.
Just saved you two hours there.


Also, I think you'll find that chicks love whopping great generalisations.

Retrospective Adventurerering: Standup 2000 or 2001

Imagine if your mind was stolen.
Your life taken from you.
And your body ...duplicated
You would have to buy ... more socks
You would use underwear twice as fast
And other people would probably get a bit confused.

This was how I started the most successful of five Raw Comedy attempts. This time I'd taken along my workmate Gino to share in inevitable victory, fame, fortune etc. It was a very simple three step plan.

I was doing an impression of that irretrievably annoying movie trailer voice-over guy ('It was a time for men. It was a time for heroes'), and expressed how happy I was to hear he had died, and how interesting it was when the pastor got up and said "There is a time to sow. There is a time to reap"

Gino chipped in with a similar rant about the over-caffeinated extremely loud guy from the late-night furniture clearance adverts.
Then we grabbed a random woman from the front row and, each holding one of her hands, serenaded her: me as voice-over man, and Gino as the yelling man.

Unforgetable that's what you are... unforgetable
BUT I CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Fish gotta swim,... birds gotta fly
MY GIRL, MY GIRL, TALKIN 'BOUT MY GIRL!
Darling I, cant get enough of your love... baby
NEAR! FAR! WHERE EVER YOU ARE I BELIEVE MY HEART WILL GO ON!
Memories, light the corners of my mind...
MEMORIES!
Nothing more than memories
YOU'RE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS!

Every time Gino contributed she took a startled half-step backwards such that we were against the back wall by the end.

Then we seamlessly introduced the idea that Ang Lee should get into porn and make...

'Crouching Doggie, Hidden Sausage'.

'Womb Raider'

(This joke is now even funnier because Angelina Jolie now goes around the world collecting babies.)

'The Bridges of Madison County'

and finally 'Pearl Harbor'

The transition to each new pose was tai-chi-like apart from Pearl Harbor which simply involved Gino leaping sideways. This was how he got carpet burn to the face.

And then it was time for props, drug jokes and aliens.

H: Why oh why do aliens fly eight million lightyears just to stick a probe up some guys arse?
It makes no sense whatsoever.

I went on to explain that the only way this could happen was for aliens to get stoned, go to the kitchen to make prawn crackers, and get inspired by kitchen utensils. We put on antennae, knelt and mimed this.

AlienGino: Dude! Right, right, lets go to earth and...and.. and stick this (see photo) up someone's arse!
(Both explode with drugged laughter)

H: So they fly down to earth at 40k's an hour...
"look out for that asteroid!"
"arh the planets are getting closer"
"Satellite! Satellite"
...occasionally bumping off things.
And land on earth, where they go up to a human and...
(Harry stands and takes antenna off) Can we have a volunteer?

We grabbed a guy from the audience, again holding a hand each.
I asked him questions whilst Gino repeatedly shouted "Take me to your leader!" and jabbed him in the arse with the probe.

I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that I am a genius.
It's true. I am.
And it's also true that Destiny was so obviously smiling upon us that night for not only was there a spaceship on the backdrop but it matched my shirt!

We didn't get to the next round.