How it all started.

The Cromagnon called Abu sat back on his haunches prouder than he'd ever been before.
'Hey Jom!' he called. 'I've just invented the wheel. This'll get cars off the ground.'
'Well, bugger me! You just invented the pun, too!' replied Jom, extremely impressed.
'You're right! I think I've just revolutionised civilisation as we know it.'
'Hmmm...Good on yer!'

And now there's me.
But I'm not here to revolutionise civilisation as you know it, or as I know it, or as the guy down the street knows it. Sure, not too many years ago I wanted nothing more than to bend the world to my will, but not so much now. That way madness lies - and (even today) sometimes dragons and beasts-without-name that serve a metaphoric yet cowardly purpose.


Humour is the single most useful way tool we have to push boundaries. Next to no-one sits down to wade through a massively detailed and compelling argument. They want instantanity. Hence those moments where everyone is laughing along and then the brain catches up, they stop, and realise: Ah.
It's magic.
And the person you have to surprise most is yourself.


If brevity is the soul of wit then that's fucking awesome!
How cool is brevity? I can't say enough about it.
Imagine if there was a Force of Brevity that acted like gravity and pulled two disparate ideas together using the fewest words possible.


I went to the Chinese gardens to ponder the complex beauty; enjoy the serenity; and curse other people's children.
If you hold them under the water long enough the thrashing stops and the serenity comes right back.
I thought how nice it would be to have a Chinese garden of my own - with waterfalls, boulders, pools and fish.
But not koi. Koi aren't my style at all.
Coy?!
I don't wont coy: I want hussies, long-finned skanks and siamese slut-fish! I want fish that are so sexy that when sun-adled sailors come over they have delusions that nude women are in the water.
Hell, I'll just go the whole hog and hire wannabe models to swim around.

Not that I entertain sailors - that sounds a bit gay.
I prefer flyboys anyway.


Some of you might say I'm a bad person because I only read the articles about missing college students if they were secretly internet porn stars.
Find your own level, people.


I was thinking about the Helen Hunt/Mel Gibson movie 'What Women Want'.
What do women want?
Babies.
Just saved you two hours there.


Also, I think you'll find that chicks love whopping great generalisations.