Thursday, January 29, 2009

Happy Chinese New Year

I had my 'Kung Hay Fat Choy, bitch!' all primed for Hilary the stores woman but she pre-empted me with a shril 'You suck monkeys balls!' which is also a traditional greeting for the time of year, but less geographically ubiquitous.
This saying is, of course, usually confined to the South East of China and loses a little something in the translation.
It is more 'Happy New Year' in flavour (if you'll excuse the pun) than it seems.

In her expanding feelings of New Years benevolence Hilary recruited Stan and Jason to also wish me well.

To which I was able to reply by email:


Well, after a busy morning I have finally finished sucking all the monkey balls.
So many monkeys.

All that's left now is the penises and arseholes.

Stan, I have put you down for the penises.
And Hilary, you get the arseholes.

Happy Sucking!

Sir Harry Simspon KA

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Christmas retro

I hosted two Englishmen for Christmas lunch or, as I explained to one of the girls at Uni, I was hosting some orphans. Her face softened and she obviously thought I was a good person. I explained it was just a figure of speech; they weren't real orphans, just guys away from home.

So, there were three wise men at Christmas aaaand we were Tom, Dick and Harry.

Jesus was happy and so were we.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Grab bag

Dubbya Bush talking about his last weeks in office and the incoming president on C-span:
"I would hate to have the next to last and last day of the presidency be one giant hug-fest … But I anticipate with great interest watching an historic moment, the swearing-in of the 44th president, who happens to be an African-American male. And that's a big deal for America. And I will have a front-row seat."

A bit revealing that. "African-American male" is how cops describe perps.

Apparently the email survey I replied to the Managing Director with the below *was* serious. I honestly thought it was a joke.
Oh well.

Dear Mr Pxxxxxxx,

Thank you very much for your email.
We _have_ outsourced the IT helpdesk to Uzbekistan.
The new IT helpdesk jockey is more jockey than help, but he is a world class shepard. His name is Balga.
He is a direct decendant of that great Uzbek warlord Tamerlame* who killed seventeen million people during the mid Fourteenth century, and Balga has a similar attitude to IT enquiries.

No, we have not just 'handed out' his IT qualification - we had it presented to him by the nearest Australian Ambassador.

Balga is not in the office at the moment because currently driving his sheep across the southern steppes in search of pasture, but he does have intermittent satellite contact.

We think is a convicted arsonist but I'm sure it was only a small fire.

Harry Simpson
(soon to be ex-)IT Helpdesk

Edit: *Should read as 'Tamerlane'. Tamerlame only killed seven people and most of them was due to a donkey accident near Samarkand.

I just walked into the office at my other job and my boss greeted me with "Harry, I'm disturbingly obsessed by ammunition."
It was a statment of fact, not a cry for help.
He then started singing "Ammo's always on my mind. Ammo's always on my mind."

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Lazy New Year

Song for the new year: Sons of Butcher Possibly the greatest song ever.

Why hiphop is excellent part 1 DJ Format

Part 2 Beardyman beatboxing in the kitchen