Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Dedication to work

Two emails I sent last week.
One to the deputy head of school who was promoted to Professor. He is a very good sort who has labs where I work on Level 6; and thinks I am hilarious. Graham is also tall and handsome - facts of which my boss (Phil) and I frequently remind him. The other people mentioned in the email are his PhD students and honours student.

From: Harry Simpson
Sent: Wednesday, 2 December 2009 10:18 AM
To: Graham
Subject: Congratulations, also: YOUR DESTINY!!

Dear Sir,

Since you have now embraced your true self it is time for you to realise your destiny. As we speak I am having the mechanical workshop boys reforge the shards of Narsil. This will of course set back the completion date for any number of jobs, but the hordes of darkness must be held at bay now that you have arisen to your True Station!

There are several things you must do:

Protect the hairy-toed one (known to you as Phil) as he goes forth to destroy the evil warlock XXX by tossing the ring made of his own stupidity and the tedium of wasted hours spent in meetings, into the fires of Administratium.

You must totally romance a hot elf babe;

You must call forth the walking dead of Level5 to regain their honour in your service;

and you must be totally awesome and kick arse! (You will receive help from a girly elf known as Blacklow and his rather fine elven sistren Youmie, Fran and Monique. The doughty warrior Casamento might be of some use, but I wouldn't count on it.)

Please start growing your hair long and practicing your smoldering thousand-yard stare (think pure jewels embedded in craggy ageless hills).

Harry Simpson
Technical Officer
University of Technology, Sydney


The second concerns our Christmas party which is tomorrow. One of the honours girls (who is a bit of a princess) asked me to email her the address of the party which is Haberfield Rowers Retreat.

From: Harry Simpson
Sent: Thursday, 3 December 2009 3:22 PM
To: fran
Subject: Haberfield Rowers

Dear Fran,

Undoubtedly you have beautiful eyes.
Such eyes have stirred men to noble deeds in the honour of their bearers for millenia.
Such eyes have been compared to moonlit pools of peaceful water, or the dark calming centre of the universe.
Such eyes have made otherwise cautious men recklessly expose their souls to their harsh regard and be destroyed.
And such eyes normally are more than enough to read the 34648 signs I put up around the place showing you where the Haberfield Rowers Retreat is!!!

Perhaps before you go to your job interview on Friday you could visit an optometrist. Wikipedia tells me that: "Like most professions, optometry education, certification, and practice is regulated in most countries. Optometrists and optometry-related organizations interact with governmental agencies, other health care professionals, and the community to deliver eye and vision care."

There are at least 17 optometrists in the Southern Hemisphere alone! So there probably is one near to where you live or shop. Please do not make the mistake, as my Great Aunt Hilda did, of visiting an Optimist instead of an Optometrist. He told her that everything was going to be fine and, thinking just that, my Great Aunt Hilda happily walked into the path of one of the first 436 buses. She was horribly wounded and walked with a limp for the rest of her days. Ironically the 436 bus is one of the buses you can take to get to Haberfield Rowers Retreat. Talk about a coincidence!

The UTS Haberfield Club Rowers Retreat is on Dobroyd parade. This road is otherwise known as the City West Link.

Harry Simpson
Technical Officer
University of Technology, Sydney