Sunday, April 27, 2008

TO Canadia

Paul the homeowning Canadian offered me an open packet of snackfood.
"Here! Try a 'Crispers'. They're not chips and they're not biscuits," he said.

Well, they have a good texture. And they aren't oily like... um, Paul, whAT FLAVOUR ARE THESE?!?


The bit you pick out of a big mac and flick onto the ceiling? Yep, a snack food flavoured like American pickled baby cucumbers.

Does not go with beer.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Anzac Day in Toronto

Step 1: Fill fridge with beer

Step 2: Fill Canadians with beer

I cooked snags on the barbie for the lads for breakfast.
Paul the Homeowner is delighted with Anzac Day. It's his first.
He wishes me a happy Anzac Day. I explain that that's not really what it's about. I explain about the beer once more and give him another.
He bragged to his friends who are holidaying in Australia. They ask him how that can be.
"I got me an Australian" he tells them.

The next day one of his local buddies texts him "Happy Aztec Day."

This fish scultpure is neither Aztec nor Anzac

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Toronto Voxpop

Having just walked by the Royal Ontario Museum ad for their dinosaur exhibition in a semiconscious daze I was stopped by a voxpop film crew.

vp: Can I ask you about polygamy?

H: Dinosaurs get married?!?!

vp: No, not dinosaurs. Have you read about the events in Texas involving the children?

H: Look, if Texans can, I don't see why dinosaurs shouldn't. There are lots of dinosaurs in Texas.

vp: Sir, you're missing the point. i would like to know your views on polygamy. Do you think it happens in Canada?

H: I dunno. I'm Australian. You should ask a Canadian.

vp: Does polygamy occur in Australia?

H: Well, we have dinosaurs, so I don't see why not.

vp: Thank you sir.

H: Also, Chinese mistresses so called 'second wives' get set up in Australia. Also anglo mistresses I say too. And we have immigrants from countries that allow polygamy, but I don't know how many wives they can bring in.

vp: Hm. Good answer.

H: And now a velociraptor impression!

vp: No thanks.

H: It's ok - this one supports gay marriage.

vp: Ironic for a velociraptor from Utah!

H: See, I knew I was talking sense all along. RRargh!

Vp: (shrieks delightedly)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

A letter to a friend.

April 9

Gribble sticky wickey and a Hoi Hoi Hoi!

And _that_ is how we won the war!

Old bean, I bring news.
News AND herpes. But you only really get one of them from the snaggle toothed whores in the village. They are great gossips, and there is no proper willy-shrivelling VD to be found anywhere in the Province!
O, how I long for the old days of the Northwest Frontier. Shipping out from some pox infested Cinque Port to make landfall in crotch burning agony at some sweltering hive of gonorrhea in India.
Ah, the sweet smell of disintegrating undergarments in the sticky evening! God bless those women! (And even some of the men, eh wot, you old plonker you!)

I'm in Canadia. Yes, the one with the silent 'i'. I suggested that to my Lady Friend and she thought I was merely being charming and not the towering intellectual linguist that I am. So I slapped her on the arse and ordered another round of port and goose lard. It's how you keep sailors happy in these parts.
If you keep an eye out on the canal you will see Captains determinedly spanking the buttocks of their crew and giving orders and, in some of the more permissive boats, taken orders too!

Things work differently in these parts of the frozen north. Mostly, they don't work at all! Frozen solid, you see.

Look, really I'm just giving you a tip that if ever you find yourself in Ottawa then the War Museum is a slap-up damned good show. They have very interesting stuff and plenty of it. Just like Matron.

Yours in friendship etc
etc etc tea medals etc etc gout etc God Save the King/Queen etc

Sir Hairy Simpson KA 1st Battalion, Short and Curlies