Friday, November 28, 2008


Jason Bourne threw down the guantlett and the Bond franchise failed to meet the challenge with 'Quantum of Solace'.

It was a sequel and it felt like one. It was lazy, poorly written, had a weak story and was badly directed.
Also the main title singer has no balls. It was Alicia Keyes and she simply can't deliver. Bond theme tunes are meant to be powerful, sexy and have a hint of menace - the song is meant to be a challenge. Keyes couldn't challenge a wet paper bag. And she couldn't sing her way out of one to mince metaphors.

They have invested too much money in Dench and now feel obliged to give her lots of screen time which hurts the story and the pace. Her only role is to try and reel Bond in. It's boring.

The action seuqences were far too choppy - the camera angled changed too often so that you couldn't follow what was going on. All this forced me to the conclusion that they were covering up for sloppiness. The fight scene on the scaffolding was lazy film making. You had no clear idea of who and how good a fighter the badguy was. And worst of all it didn't show how Bond shows his immense cool and talent by thinking his way through a fight which enables him to take advantage of luck. Smoothly taking luck in his stride is what Bond is all about. Oh, and in the trailer you see Bond perform a Spanish Web maneouvre - where he starts at the top of a rope with a loop around him and spins down it in a controlled fall, and arrests his fall at the very bottom shooting his gun back up the rope and killing the bad guy. Doesn't happen in the film. Stupid.
Makes it look like the director doesn't know what he's doing. Heard of storyboarding and blocking? Do it.

As if to fully convince us that this was a half-arsed piece of cinema the big building at the end blows up for no good reason. And continues blowing up bit by bit like all those villians' lairs at the height of Bond ridiculousness of the 70s. Trouble is: IT'S A HOTEL!!!

Everything was just too easy for Bond. It was boring.
The best change that Pierce Brosnan made was to show Bond absolutely knackered after a fight - y'know, sitting in the hotel room, collar popped open, having a smirnoff. It showed Bond was human - that he actually was making an effort.
Casino Royale showed how Bond became gritty and ruthless - another human side to him.
Quantum of Solace showed him getting handsomely cut on the face but not having to draw on reserves; and showed him being completely void of feeling rather than toughly ruefully when a helper dies.

The Bondgirl was missing almost all the elements that make a Bondgirl a Bondgirl. The fighting and fleeing are meant to serve as foreplay. They didn't get it on, and he was too much her white knight. Disappointing.

The main problem was that it couldn't get over how to show Bond was still crushing over Vespa.
Surely the whole point would be to show that he is carrying a shadow yet still doing his job for Blighty. (a) Don't make it a fucking sequel, and (b) show the shadow by having a few little 'tells' where he gets reminded of her. Ta daaa! He's English for god's sake.

It is far cooler if M is just an incidental character. She should be just a light touch on the film - not a fucking point of plot revolution - that's what the Bondgirl is for and the badguys are for. Remember them?! Bad Guys.
These ones were lame. It was not even half an idea.

Also the name sucks.

So Hollywood, when you want the next Bond, call me.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Ticking all the boxes

Last night I saw The. Best. Movie. Ever.
It was even better than The Scorpion King (The Mummy spin-off that stars The Rock.).
The movie was Death Race, and the trailer shows you the whole plot so you don't even vaguely need to pay attention.

It ticked all the boxes of big dumb A-grade B-grade Hollywood.

Near future. All prisons are private and one of them holds gladiatorial contests. The next stage in this is suped-up cars armoured and armed with guns and missiles, and they race around a track and kill each other. All the drivers are convicted murderers.

Tick, tick, tick.

An ex-NASCAR driver gets framed for a Crime He Didn't Commit


So he can be the driver in this conspiracy to keep a masked driver…


called Frankenstein 'alive'. Frank has actually died in the last race on the operating table. It's the Only Way He Can Win His Freedom


The cars have navigators


Who are absolute BABES


Who are female murderers.
Ahah! Tick

And then a whole heap of cool shit happens. The good guy is played by English actor Jason Statham (Lock Stock…) and his navigator is this Latino Goddess who I am sure has a name, but for the movie her theme tune so-to-speak was a dance track called "I'm Sexy".


The good guys win and get reunited


$16 well spent. Let's have a beer.


Friday, November 14, 2008


The barstaff at The Loft (which is a campus bar of UTS and just off Broadway) are some of the most gorgeous women you will ever look upon.

They are like the spicegirls but EVERY one of them is hot.
It's not like some pic'n'mix where you think 'I only feel like sqirms'.
It is like a pretty damned high level of heaven where it's like God and Allah got together aand said "Yeah, long black hair and brown drown-in-eyes are teh bomb".

Look, if you fell into those eyes you'd swim for days without reaching shore. And, no, that wouldn't be because of your particularly slow and girly form of sidestroke or lack of a sense of direction.
And then one of them has the most wicked mouth ever. If I was a small insect it would be the tastest, most yummy smelling venus fly trap ever.

And then some PhD students bought me, like, eight hundred beers.

God bless them - every one.

I love you all, but in particular the one with the tiny nose stud. Zow!
If she had glasses then I would be a puddle of incoherence on the floor right now.

"What happened to Harry?"
"he drowned and got eaten by carnivorous plants."
"Hmmm... weird."

So, I got home at about 12:30 after having indifferent burgers at the only place open and I tried to explain to Elf Sara about the bar babes. I then went to my room and engaged in my time-proved getting home routine.
Sit on bed. Take out wallet, keys and mobile from pants. put them next to bed. Take off shoes. Go to kitchen and drink lots of water.
Which is great except I had taken out keys and wallet when Elf came in and sat next to me to offer advice because she'd misconstrued my babes explaination as a crie du coeur from the depths of my loneliness rather than just an expression of how cool life is right now, which it actually was.
"You should become a he-slut", she suggested.
Which is not the most useful thing anyone's said to me particularly when it kinda sideswipes me and I can't must the required braincells to correct the situation.
And that's why I forgot to take my mobile out of my pocket, which is why I washed it this morning.

So if you've been trying to call me that's why you can't.
And, no, I did not give out my defunct phone number to any of the bar babes. Thyat wasn't the point at all.
And, no, I am not becoming a he-slut - it would require too much shaving.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

How to Confuse people.

Say you get an email at work like this:
"My name is Suzie Nguyen. I have just recently joined our Science
Faculty. I will be working for Cameron E-R at Debbie Massey 's old desk.
You might want to call me as
Ms *NEW* Debbie:)"

I suggest replying with "Hi, my name is Harry, but you can call me Floppy."

However, for best results I recommend using this when meeting a new superior.

Superior: (extending hand) How nice to meet you. Harry, isn't it?
Harry (in a jolly English accent): (shaking hand) Yes, but call me 'Floppy'!

Try it today.

I'm orf to meet the new Dean. Or 'Bubbles' as I shall call him.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Fear and what was the question again?

Why bother asking these people anything?

This is what a shattered Republican voter from Texas said about Obama:

"I still don't know this man. That is what scares me. He is a very pleasant speaker. But that's all I know."

Right, so your ignorance scares you.
I assure you it scares me more.

How fucking hard can it be to find out everything you could possibly want to know about Obama?!
Fucking hell, just type "Voting history" or "Obama what he stands for" or anything into a search engine!!!
What is wrong with these people?!
Look, if you 'don't know' the most stellar and important person in the US you are a complete moron, so fuck you.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I was flipping through a Human Resources/Recruitment Powerpoint slide presentation last week and the “I’m trapped in a Dilbert cartoon” feeling really reached its highest point with the recommendation that a manager should also try “Radiating Positive Energy”.

Really, they write themselves those comics.

Anyway, some classics included these:

'Examples of Competencies

  • Leadership
  • Teamwork
  • Motivation
  • Brainpower'

Manager to other manager: What is your competency?

Other Manager: BrAInPoWER!!! BRAINPOWER!!!! URGH!!

Manager: How about Having An Extensive Vocabulary?

Other Manager: Nah. Just BRAINPOWER!!!!

Under the subject of ‘Interpersonal Skills’ was a sub-topic of ‘Building Relationships.’

  • Become genuinely interested in other people
  • Call people by their names
  • Talk in terms of the other person’s interest
  • Smile
  • Listen

...AKA Faking Sincerity.

Did you know that “Emotional Intelligence accounts for up to 45% of one’s job success, while one’s IQ is said to account for less than 6%”?

No, I am not making this up – BUT I THINK THEY DID!

So, by maths, you can see that actually being skilled only accounts for a maximum of 49% of one’s job success.

Hmm, how about leaving me alone for the half a day each day that requires me to demonstrate Emotional Intelligence so that I only have to work 3 days a week?