by Sir Hairy Simspon KA
Wandering Chair of Armchair Travelling, Oxon.
Some say that Britain is the middle of Europe. This is correct from a moral and honour point of view, but geographically Britain is a bit to one side.
If God were to ask Europe how it dressed, it would say "A little to the left".
Ergo the balls of Europe are the British Isles; and long may they be emerald green.
Some say that anyone east of Dover is a wog. This is true, but not navigationally helpful.
A History of Europe is hereby called for at this point. etc.
Caesar (q.v.) said France was divided into threee parts. They are called A, B and C.
A and B stayed under Roman occupation and, later, under German occupation. During both these times nobody visited Part C. When they did they wrote a history of the region entitled "Long Time Ago, no C".
With the Spanish Armada (Sorta 1588 or somesuch) it was discovered that people living south of Dover were Dagos. And those who weren't Dagos were Spicks. These are not to be confused with Diegos, who are a totally different kettle of fish all together whilst not ACTUALLY being a kettle or more than one percent fish.
But, getting back to France: it is easy to see that Paris is in Part B. France is recognisable by garlic, cheese, frogs, berets and a dessert or rice dish made of sparrows called Edith Pilaf.
When heading to Russia from England you will see Italy on your right. This is very important to remember. Turning left will result in (a) Belgium, and (b) Scandinavia. Neither is harmful unless you yourself are Russian, in which case certain parts of Scandinavia are fatal.
When Marco Polo travelled to Italy and discovered pasta he made detailed a map. Using this map the famous detective Columbo discovered America. It was a very good map.
I have, instead, made a map based on the work of two cartographers: Goscinny and Uderzo.
Alexander the Great conquered mostly in the right-hand direction. France was not included, but since everyone else managed to conquer France it does prompt one to ask just how great he actually was.
Alexander died of wine. I don't think there is a lesson here. You will have to experience this yourself to learn anything from his example.
Inspired by the French revolutionary Egalitarian Fervour (a type of cold) the US was made in 1775. In recognition the French gave the US the Statue of Liberty. To celebrate this event the US promptly declared war on itself.
The French then gave 18 inches of cold steel to the Prussians, Austrians, Belgians, Russians, Dutch, Spanish etc etc.
After several years the Europeans combined and gave it back twice as hard.
It is said that this was a triumph of Britain's Public Schools. An interesting notion from a nation that obsesses over keeping their privates out of public view and treating their army privates like scum.
The Duke of Wellington himself was fond of saying "melons", but that was because he spent too much time in Belgium inspecting troops from the teeth down, and ladies from the navel up.
Don't go to Belgium.
Switzerland does not actually exist, as this map clearly illustrates.
In 1938 Lake Guernica was bombed by Fascist aircraft and destroyed. It is still undecided as to whether this was a good thing or not.
There is only one thing you have to remember about Germany and this is cuckoo clocks.
And bears, of course.
Some of Germany goes up, and other parts go down.
During the One Hundred Years War over half the German population was killed. This is true and not funny at all, until you release that this angers Germans.
Germans DO have a sense of humour, it's just very small and kept in an ornately carved wooden box.
During fifteen hundred and something the Lex Lutheran priest called Martin (Tex) Lex Luther tried to stamp out corruption in the church by nailing "these" to the cathedral door. He probably would have been better nailing corrupt monks to the doors, but what the hey. To combat Lex Lutherans the Germans invented Supermen called Ubermenchen who disguised themselves with glasses and toothbrush moustaches.
Several times Germany tried to expand its borders with a combination of balloons, very long elastic bands and string. This didn't work for long both times, so they stopped.
It is interesting to note that after the Germans failed to extent their living rooms that the Russians installed three air corridors.
Hey, this doesn't have anything to do with Europe, but three days ago I was lying in bed and I thought of a cool name for a Space captain/ Private Investigator: Captain Justin Autoshave. I think it's cool.
Germany has strudels. A great many strudels. In fact it could be said that they have oodles of strudels. China has oodles of noodles, and we can only hope that the New World Order of Germany and China never eventuates lest we all be flooded by oodles of noodles and strudels.
Too many so called 'empty' carbs.
In order to demonstrate this problem here is a doodle of oodles of noodles and strudels.
As the comedian Charlie Pickering has pointed out, the only thing that rhymes with Nazi is yahtzee.
Nazis are not funny, no matter how many ornately carved wooden boxes you put them in.