Friday, November 28, 2008


Jason Bourne threw down the guantlett and the Bond franchise failed to meet the challenge with 'Quantum of Solace'.

It was a sequel and it felt like one. It was lazy, poorly written, had a weak story and was badly directed.
Also the main title singer has no balls. It was Alicia Keyes and she simply can't deliver. Bond theme tunes are meant to be powerful, sexy and have a hint of menace - the song is meant to be a challenge. Keyes couldn't challenge a wet paper bag. And she couldn't sing her way out of one to mince metaphors.

They have invested too much money in Dench and now feel obliged to give her lots of screen time which hurts the story and the pace. Her only role is to try and reel Bond in. It's boring.

The action seuqences were far too choppy - the camera angled changed too often so that you couldn't follow what was going on. All this forced me to the conclusion that they were covering up for sloppiness. The fight scene on the scaffolding was lazy film making. You had no clear idea of who and how good a fighter the badguy was. And worst of all it didn't show how Bond shows his immense cool and talent by thinking his way through a fight which enables him to take advantage of luck. Smoothly taking luck in his stride is what Bond is all about. Oh, and in the trailer you see Bond perform a Spanish Web maneouvre - where he starts at the top of a rope with a loop around him and spins down it in a controlled fall, and arrests his fall at the very bottom shooting his gun back up the rope and killing the bad guy. Doesn't happen in the film. Stupid.
Makes it look like the director doesn't know what he's doing. Heard of storyboarding and blocking? Do it.

As if to fully convince us that this was a half-arsed piece of cinema the big building at the end blows up for no good reason. And continues blowing up bit by bit like all those villians' lairs at the height of Bond ridiculousness of the 70s. Trouble is: IT'S A HOTEL!!!

Everything was just too easy for Bond. It was boring.
The best change that Pierce Brosnan made was to show Bond absolutely knackered after a fight - y'know, sitting in the hotel room, collar popped open, having a smirnoff. It showed Bond was human - that he actually was making an effort.
Casino Royale showed how Bond became gritty and ruthless - another human side to him.
Quantum of Solace showed him getting handsomely cut on the face but not having to draw on reserves; and showed him being completely void of feeling rather than toughly ruefully when a helper dies.

The Bondgirl was missing almost all the elements that make a Bondgirl a Bondgirl. The fighting and fleeing are meant to serve as foreplay. They didn't get it on, and he was too much her white knight. Disappointing.

The main problem was that it couldn't get over how to show Bond was still crushing over Vespa.
Surely the whole point would be to show that he is carrying a shadow yet still doing his job for Blighty. (a) Don't make it a fucking sequel, and (b) show the shadow by having a few little 'tells' where he gets reminded of her. Ta daaa! He's English for god's sake.

It is far cooler if M is just an incidental character. She should be just a light touch on the film - not a fucking point of plot revolution - that's what the Bondgirl is for and the badguys are for. Remember them?! Bad Guys.
These ones were lame. It was not even half an idea.

Also the name sucks.

So Hollywood, when you want the next Bond, call me.


anti ob said...

The action seuqences were far too choppy

I'm so sick of this shit from Hollywood, and they never seem to learn. Hollywood's idea of a fight scene is to hand two guys a sword/tire-iron/fist, push them to within half a mile of each other with a shephard's crook, and shake the camera til we all get sick. When we're done vomiting under our seats, they tell us "we've just showed you a brilliant fight scene - no really! - what are you some kind of wuss and missed it?"

Hong Kong knows how to do fight scenes where you can watch every punch and believe it... and the stupid thing is, you could hire most of those guys to come to Hollywood and do it for you proper for about a tenth of what they're paying the lame-arsed, Blair Witch student, filmed-on-my iPhone, bullshit artist of a director they're using. I'm not saying get those guys to do your _story_ for you for gods sake, but there's nothing wrong with saying "Hey, y'know what? I'm a rich yuppie director who was once a poor yuppie black-beret-wearing undernourished art student; I wouldn't know a fight if it broke out in my pants. I'm delegating this bit to someone who knows what a punch looks like outside of cut crystal."

The Bondgirl was missing almost all the elements that make a Bondgirl a Bondgirl.

Tits? A neon orange bikini?

anti ob said...

I almost forgot:

A stupid nickname?

harry said...

"I wouldn't know a fight if it broke out in my pants."

# I am using that saying just befire "Head-butt me in the balls!"

"Tits? A neon orange bikini?"
# Nah, grrrr. She didn't have the grrrr factor developed. Perhaps it was just the lack of bond-as-a-sexual-partner.... I dunno. If it wasn't that then she simply didn't have whatever Michelle Yo has.

"A stupid nickname?"
# No stupid nickname. But she was the daughter of a Bolivian general/dictator and a russian ballerina.

Good rant. If my memory serves me correct, I would be pouring more wine into your glass at this point and egging you on.

anti ob said...

Twas 1am the night of Thanksgiving - traditionally by that point I need neither wine nor egging (not that either or both is unwelcome; just unnecessary.)

bronwen said...

thought the theme song was a combo of alicia and jack white?

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

yup, I saw the song on the end of rage one morning and thought... what? that *looks* like Alicia Keyes and Jack White screaming/moaning/raging at each other, freak me out. watched till the credits. yes it was. pretty awful song!

I haven't seen a Bond since the first Brosnan one. or maybe the second. the one with the helicopter at an angle towards the end. that one. so I guess this isn't the one to get back into the Bond groove with.