Sunday, October 14, 2007

On keeping your head when all those about are losing theirs

I read on a Baptist web site that masturbation was the number one health problem of the US. They didn't write that it was going to bring America to it's knees, thus missing an awesome opportunity.
But, these guys were adamant: masturbation is bringing down America!
That's the best news I've heard all week.
From now on I'm going to masturbate twice a day: once for me, and once to bring down America.

BinLaden read the same website and in his new video he says in a slow sexy voice:
"Hi, I'm Osama. The desert is soooo hot. Doesn't the desert just make you feel all hot and sweaty? Doesn't hiding in caves running from aircraft make you all... dirty?
Ooh, let's got back to my place and play Hide-the Terrorist."

Look, we are made for masturbation. Why else would guys be so good at shaking flavoured milk?
And women be so good at scrolling through documents with a wheel mouse?
And nuns be so good at cleaning chimneys?

Ladies, I give you permission to undress me with your eyes. This was back when I was 24, but don't let my dreamy four hundred yard stare put you off.

These days I am more sophisticated and take to care to drink martinis only in profile so that I look like 1930s nightclub advertising.

Working in a bar, you face the recurring question of how much head to put on a beer. Every so often you will meet someone who thinks a head on a beer is nothing more than gross profit raking, and insists on the glass being completely full. They say stuff like "Tide's out". In Europe they have at least twice and sometimes thrice the amount of head on their beers. My foreign-trained doctor mate takes delight in appalling me with his European depravity whenever he comes over. I guess the point is there are no hard and fast rules for satisfying everybody with head.

A friend of mine went to a bar in Thailand where you sit at the counter on a stool as at a normal bar, but under the counter is a curtain and girls poke their heads out to perform oral sex on the drinking patrons.
My friend asked for a beer without any head but the barman said that they only served beer WITH head.
So I went to this same bar two years later and asked for a beer with no head and the barman said they don't serve beer there, only double entendras.
So I fingered him.
But not in a gay way.

I'm off adventurerering for two weeks, so see you in November.


The Devil Drink said...

It's a double 'entendre', fffilistine. What's become of the innuendo of yesteryear?
And re: 1930s advertising, no collared shirt, no entrance pal. Members' night.

Anonymous said...

Grow beard again?

(actually just Taffy, being cryptic)

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

oh Jacob, you're so cryptic!

harry said...

I just realised an unintentional pun re "keeping your head while others are losing theirs". I started off by talking about Baptists.
John the Baptist is famous for nothing but being beheaded.

I astound even me sometimes.

"Grow beard again?"
Rephrase question. Input error.

Anonymous said...

You can take your 'input error' and stick it up your arse. :-)

Okay, I'll add the missing words in brackets:

[Why not] grow [your] beard again? [What do you think girls? Does not yonder Harry look more attractive with the facial hair?]


Fyodor said...


Having a modest acquaintance with girls, I suspect they'd be more impressed by that collared shirt business.

And _that_ is why Grizzly Adams always foreswore t-shirts.

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

being a girl, albeit an older girl and exactly the sort that Harry isn't out to impress, I can say the beard worked quite well.

also, agree with Fyodor, crisp shirts are wonderful.

also also, hi TaffinaTOR!

Fyodor said...

Hi Boaty,

Like the new look, but I think I'll miss the crusty starfish. That was a cool gravy.

harry said...

Strangely I will not be taking facial hair advice from my baby-butt smooth faced brother.

Anyone will tell you the gaotee is way out. It is stubble all round now - especially for thinking-women's type crumpet ie House, and that other guy who played that cop in that movie.

I am going with that most obvious of ideas "just dress better".

Step 1. Dress better
Step 2. Become richest man in england.
Step 3. Dive into lake in a manly and impulsive fashion.
Step 4. Marry Elizabeth Bennett.
Stpe 5. Be yourself. Oh my god! That's Sooo True!!!

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

oh that we could all marry Elizabeth Bennett!

harry said...

Look, we all agree that we all want to marry her. Maybe we can all work together to FIND her.