I read on a Baptist web site that masturbation was the number one health problem of the US. They didn't write that it was going to bring America to it's knees, thus missing an awesome opportunity.
But, these guys were adamant: masturbation is bringing down America!
That's the best news I've heard all week.
From now on I'm going to masturbate twice a day: once for me, and once to bring down America.
BinLaden read the same website and in his new video he says in a slow sexy voice:
"Hi, I'm Osama. The desert is soooo hot. Doesn't the desert just make you feel all hot and sweaty? Doesn't hiding in caves running from aircraft make you all... dirty?
Ooh, let's got back to my place and play Hide-the Terrorist."
Look, we are made for masturbation. Why else would guys be so good at shaking flavoured milk?
And women be so good at scrolling through documents with a wheel mouse?
And nuns be so good at cleaning chimneys?
Ladies, I give you permission to undress me with your eyes. This was back when I was 24, but don't let my dreamy four hundred yard stare put you off.
These days I am more sophisticated and take to care to drink martinis only in profile so that I look like 1930s nightclub advertising.
Working in a bar, you face the recurring question of how much head to put on a beer. Every so often you will meet someone who thinks a head on a beer is nothing more than gross profit raking, and insists on the glass being completely full. They say stuff like "Tide's out". In Europe they have at least twice and sometimes thrice the amount of head on their beers. My foreign-trained doctor mate takes delight in appalling me with his European depravity whenever he comes over. I guess the point is there are no hard and fast rules for satisfying everybody with head.
A friend of mine went to a bar in Thailand where you sit at the counter on a stool as at a normal bar, but under the counter is a curtain and girls poke their heads out to perform oral sex on the drinking patrons.
My friend asked for a beer without any head but the barman said that they only served beer WITH head.
So I went to this same bar two years later and asked for a beer with no head and the barman said they don't serve beer there, only double entendras.
So I fingered him.
But not in a gay way.
I'm off adventurerering for two weeks, so see you in November.