Thursday, April 10, 2008

A letter to a friend.

April 9
Ottawa

Gribble sticky wickey and a Hoi Hoi Hoi!

And _that_ is how we won the war!

Old bean, I bring news.
News AND herpes. But you only really get one of them from the snaggle toothed whores in the village. They are great gossips, and there is no proper willy-shrivelling VD to be found anywhere in the Province!
O, how I long for the old days of the Northwest Frontier. Shipping out from some pox infested Cinque Port to make landfall in crotch burning agony at some sweltering hive of gonorrhea in India.
Ah, the sweet smell of disintegrating undergarments in the sticky evening! God bless those women! (And even some of the men, eh wot, you old plonker you!)

I'm in Canadia. Yes, the one with the silent 'i'. I suggested that to my Lady Friend and she thought I was merely being charming and not the towering intellectual linguist that I am. So I slapped her on the arse and ordered another round of port and goose lard. It's how you keep sailors happy in these parts.
If you keep an eye out on the canal you will see Captains determinedly spanking the buttocks of their crew and giving orders and, in some of the more permissive boats, taken orders too!

Things work differently in these parts of the frozen north. Mostly, they don't work at all! Frozen solid, you see.

Look, really I'm just giving you a tip that if ever you find yourself in Ottawa then the War Museum is a slap-up damned good show. They have very interesting stuff and plenty of it. Just like Matron.

Yours in friendship etc
etc etc tea medals etc etc gout etc God Save the King/Queen etc

Sir Hairy Simpson KA 1st Battalion, Short and Curlies

4 comments:

Daniel said...

Hello smelly,

We've had the place thoroughly fumigated and most of the rank is gone. Just a bit lingering behind the fridge...

You know the saying, "what happens in Ottawa stays in Ottawa"? Well, it's not true.

You have herpes

I await more!

anti ob said...

Charge of the Short and Curly Brigade?

Fyodor said...

Nah, that'd be Special Short And Curly Service, SSACS.

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

you do go on, don't you?