Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Backyard Adventurerering

I have just finished reading a history of Alexander the Great.
Suitably inspired I decided to do some weeding.
Now, I know there are people who talk to plants, but I figured it would be more appropriate to taunt the asthma weed as I pulled it.

"For too long," I told them, "You have been on land that is not yours. No longer! For I am Harry the Great!"
I also undermined their morale by chanting "So don't touch me cos I'm electric. Ah, don't touch me cos I'm electric. Don't touch me cos I'm electric. And if you touch me you'll get shocked."
And I totally routed them.
At one point clouds of their asthma-inducing particles assailed my nostrils, but I rallied magnificently and sneezed loudly upon them with contempt.

I should also acknowledge the part played by Australian hiphop in my victory with Hermitude and The HilltopHoods bawling from the open doors to give me spirit.
It occured to me that if hiphop was around in 334BC Alexander would have listened to it.
Then it occured to me that hiphop is so cool that it would have been around in 334BC only if Alexander had invented.
And he would have.
But he would have called it Alexander.

Ptolemy: Hey, that sounds awesome! What is it?
Parmenio: It's called Alexander.
Ptomely: Sweet.
Parmenio: What are you doing with that thing in your hand?
Hephaestion: It's called smoking an Alexander. It goes really well with that Alexander we're listening to.
Parmenio: What's an Alexander?
Hephaestion: Well, it's paper rolled around buds of that plant called Alexander we got in India.
Parmenio: Hey, Cleitus! What are you drinking?
Cleitus: Brandy Alexander.
Ptolemy: Cleitus, I don't want to be rude, but aren't you dead?
Cleitus: Yeah, but so's Parmenio.
Hephaestion: Bitchin!

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