Regular readers will know that I joined a cult in Cairns, and not just for alliterative purposes.
Now that I am free of their clutches, I feel safe to tell you how I was able to escape.
It turns out that over the last eleven years I have inadvertantly been conditioned to resist the first step of cult indoctrination: brainwashing.
Those of you who know my best friend and psychologist/teaboy Lord Mattresshammer will know that he is possibly the most annoying man on the planet. What you don't know is that he has been engaging in an intrepid and ingenious program of brainwashing via reverse pyschology to convince us that he _isn't_ the most annoying man on the planet.
His revolutionary idea is to take an innocuous, non-annoying, basically unfunny saying and by constant repetition make it annoying yet hilarious. The brainwashing is there to convince listeners only of the humour component.
Sceptics will point out that it hasn't worked yet, but proof that his trail-blazing concept works is shown by one CrazyOldAna who, after several years exposure, now complusively tells me that there is a possum living in a flower pot on her balcony.
Anyway, it was the second day of brainwashing, and the cult had managed to extract $12.50 and a small amount of my dignity, when Matt called me on my mobile.
His voice instantly activated my anti-brainwashing defenses and I was cured!
"I..I.. hello? Let's go to the pub."
"I'm in Cairns."
"How about tea then?"
"The Cairns that is in Queensland."
"I don't want excuses; I want solutions!"
"We could go to the pub next week?"
But Matt is not one to compromise anything but the moral standing of girls on the cusp of legality.
"Damn you, Harry. You hear me? Damn you to hell or sixteen episodes of Crossing Jordan - whichever comes first!"
"I'm not finished yet!!"
"My mum says 'hi'."
So, you see: the cult leaders didn't have a chance.
I salute you.