Saturday, March 17, 2007

Adventurerering at the Movies

I felt like watching a movie for some pure escapism.
So, I toddled off to Hoyts and grabbed a run sheet. I asked the woman which ones were in English and, after smiling at my "I only speak a little Spanish", she kindly asterisked the ones that were in English.

Hmm. I´d read some good stuff about "Babel".
So, I watched a movie that started in Morrocan subtitled in Spanish. Then it became spoken Spanish and English; then sign language; then Japanese subtitled in Spanish; the written Japanese; then back to Morrocan Arabic.
I had made an excellent choice.

Oh, and that was after finally working out that reason the young lass was refusing to accept my ticket was because my watch was an hour fast. I´m not quite sure how many days it´s been fast, but that would explain some of the cultural differences I´d taken in my stride such as when luchtime starts, and how late shops stay open.

Still, the movies are, like, only A$6.
Totally. I know!
Then I went to the mall and hung out.

My next brave foray into movie land was "Diamante de Sangue" with LEO and thingie from Labrynth who´s extremely easy to watch. I just felt like guns and shit blowing up. And Africa.
I quite liked it. I thought it was good. Solid and I appreciated the ruthlessness of it: moving down both rebels and diamond slaves with helicopter gunships, and LEO taking out brainwashedchild soldiers to rescue a particular one. And of course, everything would be fine in the world if you goddamned chicks didn´t like pretty shiny things. Conflict diamonds!
I tell you, when I propose to my girl I´ll give her a ring with something white on it.
"Is it white gold?"
"No, white man´s burden."
(Partyman gives Whiteman´s Burden to Partywhitegirl.)

Then, today I tried to see a different movie.
"It´s in French" said the guy after giving up on whatever weird language they speak here.
How dare he make the completely accurate assessment that my French would be worse than my Spanish! But that´s what happens when you give education to the third world, I guess. Mea Culpa.

So, I saw "Borat". Sacha Cohen should change his last name to Cahones. My giddy aunt! Awesome breathtaking stuff.

And now the good news, that you already no doubt know.

1) Chow Yun Fat is in Pirates of The Carribean 3. I almost exploded into a cloud of candyfloss, belly button rings, helium balloons and childhood dreams fullfilled when I saw that poster.
If bobble-head had been replaced by Eliza Dushku I would invade Russia in winter to see that film.

2) "300" looks like a music video collided with a PS2 game or, more likely, (as Fyodor has just informed me) it looks like the graphic Novel on which it was based. I think I saw one of the Persian hordes riding a rhinocerous into battle. I ran nude around Centro Santiago afterwards, was arrested, congratulated, and high fived because the entire judicial system here is totally excited about the movie too.

3) "Tirador", which in English means "Sniper" or "Shooter" or something like that. Mark Wahlberg (who I quite like), Snipers, guns, lots of kit and a twisted plot to kill the president and provide the patsy all in one fell swoop. Snipers in a snow field. Yeah. (nods head) (Update: Saw it on the first of May. It got very stupid quite quickly. Then it got positively moronic.)

4) Ok, we saved the Earth by blowing up an asteriod; then we started the molten core again with a nuclear warhead; then we fought off unstoppable aliens. Now it´s time to RESTART THE SUN!
Yes, in the latest "We´re removing Science from the syllabus" production, a superdooper crew are flying a superdooper spaceship to turn the sun back on because it´s stopping for some reason. The movie is called "Sunshine" which in English means "Out of My arse!"
There is only one thing we can do. Dinner party. Get pissed, and then troop off to see it. Just like me and my friends did for "Scorpion King". That movie was AWESOME! This movie is going to make me rip my own arm off and beat myself to death with it. I will become a Grendel and Beowulf gestalt literary being because of "Sunshine": the last story written in the English language.

5) What the fack are you talking about?!


7) One of the best trailers for getting the audience pumped that I´ve seen in years. It was the epitome of trailers. You see something shooting in from space to earth. It crashes, but not like an asteroid. It´s a great big metal lump. faces of people looking confused and scared. Flames. Talking heads on TV bringing up to date reports. A military base gets wiped out in the middle east. Tanks go hurtling through the air. More scared faces. A big robot unfolding in a sandstorm. Soldiers running. A Steve Speilberg film. Strangely familiar cars driving fast. Another gun metal giant robot thing. A chopper lands and the controller tells the crew to exit or be fired upon. The pilot´s face digitally updates. the controller says "Oh my god". Then there's a shot on a street where a blue and red thing starts unfolding.
Harry bursts into a formless demonic bubblegum beast ala Akira.

010101000100100010 110001 111000101 10010 1!!!!111!

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